Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
