he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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