My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm at about main and main street
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
