So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
