God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
