all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
