So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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