PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
