to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
