Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize