I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
