from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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