I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
