3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Randomize