Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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