I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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