Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
