bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
