my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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