And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
