I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
there's paper in my vomit.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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