Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
