PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
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