Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize