The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
