sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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