Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
