There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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