I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
