Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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