we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
You left your phone here
Wait...
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
