So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
thus making me awesome and them whores
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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