I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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