I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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