i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
