When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
