thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
