I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
