I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
