I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
