So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
