if you like me you must not know who I am
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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