There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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