She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
