I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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