So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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