Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
