please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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