turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
