fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
