Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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