I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
