I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
