Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
We're too hungover to prance.
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