we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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