Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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